The polyvagal theory at a glance
Finding your own balance as a SEND parent
I have no idea what it is like NOT to support a child with SEND.
I started feeling stressed pretty much since my son was snatched away to SCBU at a few minutes old, and I feel like I have been fighting the system since a SCBU nurse took it upon herself to start giving my son formula without my consent.
We chose a small prep school for my son’s sensory needs for Reception, thinking small class sizes would be better. However, we decided to move him to a far more local primary school this academic year for a variety of reasons, including lack of diversity and lack of SEN experience. Plus, with a half commute in each direction, he simply never had time to go and do what a child of 7 is supposed to do after school – PLAY! Now, he’s home within five minutes, building dens in the garden with his brother.
Not only is he doing MUCH better in a state primary in a class of 30, supported appropriately by experienced teachers, who are not in the least bit fazed by learning differences, but we have noticed an enormous drop in his levels of anxiety. He no longer has the pressure of homework every evening or the pressure of having to try and fit in socially. In a class of 30 there are so many more children to choose from. Consequently, his performance globally is MUCH improved, because he feels “safe”.
I digress. My main reason for writing this piece is that I also feel that my son’s drop in anxiety is largely down to me.
Trying to get a child to fit in at completely the wrong school is extremely stressful. In fact, I think I spent the whole of year two at his previous school trying to avoid people, purely because the school refused to listen to the advice provided by privately commissioned reports, instead causing us huge anxiety by pointing out the ways in which he didn’t tick their boxes. I had a constant knot in my stomach, knowing that it was not the right school for him at all, mulling over all the possible alternatives for him.
So, fast forward to this year, when I feel balanced, happy and relaxed – and in complete synergy, my son is making progress, has friends and is SO happy with his school that he asks me why on earth he didn’t go there from the word go…
I digress again.
As a SEND parent, we are under constant strain to protect the interests of our children and fight their corners. It’s really tough.
People bring their children to me, and I can see myself with my son, five years ago when we started working on reflex integration with the legendary Bob Allen. I often see, just as he saw in me, that parents need support so they can feel “safe” in the world just as much as their children.
Bob never told me I’d benefit from work on myself – I came to that conclusion myself – partly because I’d seen such a miraculous transformation in my son and wanted to see what it’s like to change! (I also wanted to know whether I really did have any retained reflexes… because… you know…. I’d always done well in life, and couldn’t possibly be anything other than neurotypical).
I wish the more integrated version of myself could give the five years ago version of myself a big hug and tell myself it was all going to be ok – because it IS ok. And I’ve made it ok, thanks to the fact that I admitted to myself that I needed support.
So now… a quick thanks to Bob, Gill Brooksmith, Janice Graham, Gaynor Ralls (in fact, if it were not for Gaynor, I would have given up when FPR kicked in on several occasions – making me doubt myself and procrastinate!), and also Moira Dempsey for her incredible knowledge and enlightening reframing of the way I now look at things.
By admitting that I needed to be supported by others, and by working on integrating my own retained reflexes, I feel like a new person. I would not have seen myself in this role five years ago at all, but now it defines me: watching the incredible transformations in my clients, I know that I’ve finally found my vocation.
Five tips for taking your child to therapy
I remember the first time I took my son to see a complementary therapist. He was just four years old, and I really did not know what to expect.
Here is a list of my top tips for visiting therapists with children:
1. Either talk to the therapist / doctor etc BEFORE the appointment by phone, or type and print out information that you do not want to talk about in front of your child, ready to hand over when you walk in.
Despite the fact that my son used to zone out, he always picked up on conversation, so I felt that it was inappropriate to talk about him in front of him.
The worst appointment I have ever been to was with a paediatrician, who really should know better. He talked about my child as if he was not in the room. As a consequence, my son did not want to engage, as was scared of this man, who had made all sorts of outrageous comments in front of him. I complained and was told this was the norm in paediatric appointments, so please be aware! (I am sure it is not the norm at all).
When I see parents with children, I ask them to call me beforehand for a pre-appointment, and get the catching up part out of the way before the actual appointment. This reduces time in clinic, which is usually better for children anyway. My initial appointment time is 90 minutes, but if I can spend half an hour or so on the phone with a parent in advance, that reduces the time physically sitting in clinic to around an hour. No matter what parents report back on follow-up appointments, I can see for myself whether there has been change, the extent of the change and what has changed. This is because I keep accurate notes in order to track progress and work a way forward.
2. Communicate with your child in advance to explain who you are going to see and why
When we used to go to see a neuro-developmental therapist and an osteopath, we used to tell our son that this was to help him think and move better. Because I used to see the same neuro-developmental therapist and osteopath myself, this was even easier for me to explain, because I normalised it by going myself. Now that I AM a neuro-developmental therapist, it’s even easier to explain why we do what we do – in the case of RMTi, I’m training the body, and training the person to know what movements to use in order to cope with “stuff” in life.
3. If your child has no rapport with the therapist, please follow your gut instinct
When we go to see any kind of specialist in a field, we have GOT to feel comfortable and safe with that person. If we don’t, we are not going to make any progress – especially if the objective of seeing a therapist is to alleviate anxiety!
Please be honest with yourself and with your therapist. If your child hates going, please don’t drag them back time after time! You won’t get anywhere. Your child – and you – have to find sessions enjoyable, or even tolerable. You have to want to cooperate and you have to want to move forward with your therapist. Please do not think a therapist will take it personally if you go elsewhere. After all, it works both ways, and a therapist will be reluctant to work with you if they notice such resistance.
4. If your child refuses to cooperate during a therapy session….
Please do not worry! This is SO common, especially in the early stages of neuro-developmental work.
You will have to pay for an appointment that someone else might have taken, yes. But do not feel it’s been a waste of time. Neuro-developmental therapists can pick up exactly what needs to be done during a session, even without testing reflexes. They can devise a programme based on what they see, and if you can manage to do this with your child, you will see a difference.
If a child is refusing to engage or cooperate, it is very likely that they will have a very strong fear paralysis reflex, which causes extreme anxiety and demand avoidance. Do not stress! We have seen it all before. We can show you how to do the movements yourself, and then you can do them with your child when you get home. If your child sees you working with us, it usually helps immensely.
5. Make time for yourself
My number one tip (even if fifth on the list) is to please look after yourself.
As a parent/carer, you are the cement that is holding the family together. You are trying to make a better future for your child, and enabling them to cope in life. That is a massive responsibility, and it is ok to take time out for yourself too.
I like to involve parents in therapy, because often, they need the movements as much as their children. It also helps engage a child with the therapy better if their parent/carer is doing the same, and normalises the therapy.
I remember the first time I took my son to see a complementary therapist. He was just four years old, and I really did not know what to expect. Here is a list tips for visiting therapists with children:
Good Luck!
RMTi – working WITH our children: reducing challenges for parent and child
It is a big step to book your first appointment to see a new therapist for yourself, never mind for a child who is extremely anxious and finds new surroundings and new people difficult. Suddenly, they are faced with a new person in a big chair, and a room with a massage table (and yoga mat in my case), and it can all seem a bit intimidating.
One thing that has always really irritated me is having to talk about my child in front of him when I’ve been to see various people: he is a very sensitive little person and having to talk about his difficulties and issues in front of him is not an option for me.
With this aspect in mind, I always make sure that I have a lengthy conversation with the parents of children I see in advance of a session – not just for first appointments, but also subsequent. I’m always available by email for questions and lightbulb moments in between appointments as well! The one thing I do not do is text, because I have an ancient Nokia phone, and can’t remember how to use it for texting!
During our initial telephone appointment, I’ll go through the “Client Questionnaire” and ask about anything that really stands out, or if there are any particular concerns. By talking ahead of an appointment, I can then concentrate on observing during the session.
When I call for a review, I ask what parents have noticed – are there any changes? Have they not noticed any changes at all – but hang on… their child suddenly has a best friend when before they didn’t? Perhaps their child has suddenly discovered the swing in the park? Perhaps the child is suddenly able to ride a bike or do cartwheels? Huge developmental leaps that suddenly happen… Could this be down to RMTi? YES!
Rhythmic Movement Training is so called because we are training the brain to make new connections, and training those who come to see us to understand when they need to use these movements and methods to manage their own difficulties going forward. For this reason, I have started referring to my “clients” as “students” – a far more cooperative description of how we work!
With our own background in mind, I have started working in a new way with parents who come to see me with their children: I do not work with their children in isolation. Instead, I work with parents too. That way, they may also feel positive change for themselves. In addition, a child is more likely to engage and buy in to the programme if their parents are doing it too! This way, a session with me really is a “lesson”, and my “students” have fun with each other, learning the new movements and trying them out on each other.
I have also noticed that parents find it a lot easier to stick to the programme when they are doing it themselves and start to notice positive change in themselves. Sometimes, parents can be very anxious themselves, and RMTi is marvellous at dealing with anxiety, as we already know… By helping a parent feel safe and more relaxed, we are helping the child also feel safe and more relaxed, and we will see a much better result overall.